Sibling Rivalry Disorder

What is sibling rivalry?

Sibling rivalry describes the ongoing conflict between kids raised in the same family. It can happen between blood-related siblings, stepsiblings, and even adopted or foster siblings. It might take the form of:

verbal or physical fighting
name-calling
tattling and bickering
being in constant competition for parental attention
voicing feelings of envy

It’s stressful for mom or dad, but it’s totally normal — we challenge you to find a parent in the world who hasn’t dealt with it!

Causes of Sibling rivalry

Let’s be honest: Sometimes you feel like picking a fight with your spouse or partner, right? Of course you do! You live with them 24/7. Tight-knit family bonds are a good thing, but they can also breed a perfectly normal amount of irritation with one another.

The same thing happens between siblings, and because you’re dealing with developmentally immature little people, those irritations can be compounded by a few other factors:

Major life changes

Moving into a new home? Expecting a new baby? Getting a divorce? These events are stressful for parents and kids alike, and many kids take their frustrations and anxieties out on the nearest target (i.e., their little sister).

Ages and stages

Ever watched a toddler lay the smack down on their poor, unsuspecting baby sibling? There are some developmental stages when sibling rivalry is worse, like when both kids are under 4 or there are especially large or small age gaps between siblings.

Jealousy

Your 3-year-old painted a beautiful picture at daycare and you praised them for it… and now their older sibling is threatening to rip it up. Why? They’re feeling jealous of the praise.

Individuality

Kids have a natural inclination to set themselves apart, including from their siblings. This can spark competitions to see who can build the taller tower, race the fastest car, or eat the most waffles. It may seem trivial to you, but it feels hugely important to them.

Lack of conflict resolution skills

If your kids routinely see you and your partner fighting in loud or aggressive ways, they may role model that behavior. They literally might not know any other way to handle their conflicts.

Family dynamics

If one child has a chronic illness or special needs, been treated differently because of birth order, or had negative behaviors reinforced, it can throw off the way everyone in the family communicates with and treats one another.

Before you start blaming yourself for all the life choices you’ve made that have caused your kids to hate each other on the daily, take a deep breath. Siblings are going to fight, with or without your interference.

Your choices can contribute to or even worsen an existing sibling rivalry, but chances are you haven’t directly caused your kids to compete with one another. Plus, no matter what you do, you can’t stop it completely.

That said, there are parental behaviors that can exacerbate sibling rivalry. If you do any of the following (even unknowingly), you could be setting yourself — and your kids — up for a lot of angst:

constantly praise one child and criticize another
pit your kids against one another in competition
assign specific family roles (“Julia is the math whiz, and Benjamin is the artist.”)
clearly pay more attention to one child’s needs and interests

Treatment

Remember, you probably didn’t cause sibling rivalry between your kids — but you may be inadvertently making it worse. Thankfully, there are a few easy ways to promote more camaraderie in your house.

You can’t stop it completely, but implementing these parenting strategies may reduce how often your kids fight.

Forget what you know about “fairness.” If all kids are different, then how you parent all kids should be different, too. One child may need a different kind of attention, responsibility, and discipline to thrive than another.
Prioritize one-on-one time. On a daily basis, try to devote a few minutes to check in with each of your kids individually. Then, on a weekly or monthly basis, try to spend some “alone time” doing a favorite activity together.
Promote a team culture in your family. When parents and siblings act like a team working toward common goals, members tend to get along better and not compete as much.
Give everyone some space. If your kids share a bedroom, designate areas of the house where they can each retreat to get a break from one another.
Introduce family meetings. This is a great opportunity for all family members to air grievances, offer solutions, and work through conflicts away from the heat of the moment.

Phone Number

Send Your Mail